


Beginnings and Endings

by superheroine



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Pining, repeatedly, self hate, they both feel like assholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-18
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-02-26 04:57:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 831
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2638880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superheroine/pseuds/superheroine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve and Bucky loved each other. But neither one knew it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Wartime

A good amount of the time, Bucky hated himself.

He loved Stevie, honestly, he did. But he saw what happened to men who liked men. He couldn’t do that to himself. He couldn’t do that to Steve. So they would kiss, sometimes, and he would let Steve into his bed on the cold nights, but it never left the apartment. So he continued going out with the dames, going to movies or going out dancing. He was a good dancer, but none of them were ever the right partner, not like he knew Steve was. He saw it, sometimes, after going out. He’d come in the apartment, and Steve would welcome him back, but his eyes were always full of sadness. And Bucky hated himself.

* * *

A good amount of the time, Steve hated himself.

He loved Bucky. And he knew Bucky didn’t love him. But he still kissed Bucky on occasion and would slip into his bed when it was too cold to sleep alone. He always felt worse after these events. Bucky might be affectionate, but they were only friends, would only ever be friends. Steve was always jealous of Bucky’s steady string of flings. He knew he should be happy for him, happy that his best friend was happy, but he couldn’t find it in himself. Bucky would go out and have fun, Steve would sit at home and draw, and when Bucky came home smiling, Steve would welcome him home and try to squash down his sadness and jealousy. He noticed, sometimes, how Bucky’s smile would fall after these exchanges, but never thought much of it. He knew Bucky just felt bad for him, didn’t he?

* * *

Bucky had never hated himself more than he did at that moment.

He knew he should be happy for Steve, happy that he had found a woman like Peggy, but he couldn’t. He knew it was only a matter of time now until Steve’s small gestures of affection, normally reserved for Bucky, made their way to Peggy, and then Bucky stopped receiving them at all. In that moment, he hated her, but not as much as he hated himself. After all, it was his own fault Steve had given up on him. He didn’t know if he would ever forgive himself for that.

* * *

Steve had never hated himself more than he did at that moment.

He flirted with Peggy, completely aware of how unfair he was being and unable to stop. He loved Bucky, would always love Bucky, but he also knew Bucky would never feel the same way. He was trying to move on, and every show of affection he made toward her (should have been Bucky, but no, he had to stop thinking like that) he felt another prick of guilt. This wasn’t fair to Peggy. But he had to try to move on.

* * *

On that train, when Steve went down, Bucky knew what he had to do. He knew he would probably die, but that was okay as long as Steve lived. After the blaster went off, when he was hanging from the rail and Steve was reaching for him, he knew what he had to do then too. “I love you Steve. More than I should. And I’m not going to let you die for me.” And he let go.

Steve distanced himself from Peggy after that, but never said why. And he had no regrets when diving that plane into the ocean.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has been done for ages, but I never heard back from my beta. It's short.

_Unsent letter found with Lt. James Barnes things after being taken captive with the 110th Division._

 

I’m so scared Stevie. So scared that I won’t make it back to Brooklyn. Scared that I won’t make it home to you.

They made me a sniper, did you know? Killing Nazis is hard at first, until I remember that doing it is saving you.

Oh god Stevie, I don’t want to die. The army was good enough to deny you, but not good enough to keep me home with you. If I hadn’t been drafted you would have never tried. Oh god, I don’t want to die, don’t want to leave you alone punk, I want to see you again-

I don’t want to die, not here, not now, not without seeing you again,

God Steve, I fucking love you dammit, its wrong and I’m going to hell but god Steve, I wish I had kissed you before shipping out, wish I had that one memory in case I die. God help me, I love you. I want to come home to you. I want to be with you forever. Don’t hate me for it. If I had said something sooner it would have been different, changed things. Dammit, punk, I love you. I tried tio like all those dames, but they weren’t you. Don’t hate me Steve.

I keep remembering all those fights you got into, how overwhelmed you always were. That’s how I feel. I want to see you, but I just might die here.

 


End file.
